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[The story you are about to read is true (except for the parts I made up). Only the names have been changed to protect the greedy, ignorant, vain, rat bastards that think this bullshit up.]
A while ago the Reverend…meaning “to be respected” - yeah, I know…anyway, the Rev Fartstink announced that the world was going to end on May 21, 2011. The “end times” would start at 6:00 PM (right after his favorite TV show aired its season finale I guess) but I never heard in what time zone. Anyway, the day came and I didn’t notice anything. There were no cracks forming in the earth, my house was still standing, people were still mowing their lawns, a couple were washing their cars, students were throwing the Frisbee around, kids were shooting hoops, the university still held graduation ceremonies, there were births and deaths at the hospital, weddings and funerals at the churches, you know, a regular Saturday. I did notice that my neighbor had built a fire and it appeared that he was burning animal sacrifices to God, but it turned out that he was just grilling up some supper for his wife and himself.
I didn’t see anyone being lifted up into heaven and the rest of us descending into a fiery abyss or any of the other crap that the Rev Fartstink predicted, but you can never be too certain about the "end times", I mean there isn’t much precedence to go on, although if given a chance I would “go on” the Reverend. As I don’t pray (because that would be a tacit assertion that whatever God’s plan is that I think it should be altered to suit my desires) I didn’t know right away how to get verification that indeed the “end times” were here. Being the philosophical type however and as we philosophical types sometimes refer to God and the “Ordering Principle in the Universe”, I had an idea. So with my gaze fixed at approximately 30° above the horizon (as best as I could discern from different characters depicted praying in religious art) I said aloud, “Point of order” to the heavens. Lo, the Archangel Connie came unto me and said, in so many words, “Yes?” To which I said, “Holy crap” and Archangel Connie said, “Well everything is holy in some respect, but what do you want...and could you speed it up, I’m busy as hell right now. People are trippin’.”
So I asked her if the “end times” were indeed upon us and she said, “I’ll tell you what I’ve been telling everyone else today, the ‘end times’ happened long, long ago.”
“So is this place heaven or hell?” I queried, but Connie couldn’t help but look at me as if I just fell out of my shoes…
She said, “Haven’t you noticed that nothing is permanent, that the ignorant want to rule over the wise, and that the greedy are taking everything for themselves with absolutely no concern for anyone else. Hasn’t that even raised an eyebrow?”
“So where’s the fire and brimstone…and the dark lord…and that kind of stuff?” I asked.
“Yeah, well that crap is made up by goons like Rev Fartstink who have enjoyed adding their spin to the religious texts over the years and now their ignorance has been institutionalized as holy.”
“So why is God allowing this?”
“God isn’t allowing anything. Humans are writing their own script. Your mental illness has nothing to do with God. God is not the ultimate positive ego that the goon people like Rev Fartstink claim. These people can only think in selfish, passive/aggressive terms so their understanding of the universe is of a selfish, passive/aggressive god which is more a reflection of their ignorance than it is anything or anyone holy.”
“So I’m living in someone else’s hell? How does that work then?”
“See, you’re still doing it.”
“Doing what?”
“You claimed that you are living in someone else’s hell.”
“But you said…”
“I said you are writing your own script. This is your dream, cowboy.”
“But I didn’t create the Rev Fartstink…”
“No…but you’re paying attention to him.”
“But he’s insane!” I demanded.
“…and only the insane believe him” she parried.
“But he’s a threat!”
“…A threat to whom…a society that has gone mad? You are only responding to one part of the madness. What about the madness of greed, the madness of self-loathing, the madness of grandeur, the madness of persecution, the madness of helplessness…do I need to go on?”
I had to pause…
”You’re right.”
And I could tell she was right too because I started looking at her as a woman. In fact I thought the wings were quite the trip. You see, I have a thing for smart, strong, intelligent women who can call me out when needed. I saw her meaning and my argument just evaporated leaving the beauty of her nature to see. [Note: It’s the “smart” bit that’s the reason I’m single.]
“So is there no way out of this dream?”
“There is one way out, but it is very difficult to understand.”
“And I suppose you can’t tell me either, eh?”
“Oh I can tell you, but will you understand is the question.”
“Try me.”
“Okay. Have you ever heard of the concept that God is omnipresent, that he is everywhere?”
“Well yeah sure…so how does that help?”
“And have you ever heard that God is truth?”
“Yeah, I heard all this in grade school…”
“Well if God is truth, and the truth is everywhere, but you can’t see the truth because you are always writing script, then if you temporarily turn off all that type of mental activity like your conceptualizing, dreaming, defining God, in fact all your internal verbalization, the only thing that would remain is the truth.”
“Just turn off my mental circus? That’s it? Well, that’s easy.”
“Is it? …Answer the phone.”
“What?”
Suddenly I woke up to my phone ringing.
“Yeah, hello…Connie?” I asked through the mental haze of waking from a nap. It was my neighbor…
“Who’s Connie?” he wondered.
“Oh…no…nothing. I was napping. I must have been dreaming”
“Did you meet somebody?”
“No, no, just some weird dream.”
“Well, anyway, I just wanted to know if we’re still going to the lumber yard tomorrow.”
“Haven’t you heard” I said, “…the world is going to end at 6:00 PM today.”
“We’ll, its 6:20 now…” my neighbor informed me, “…and whether the world ended or not, I still have chores to do. So are we on or what?”
“Yeah, I’m still going” I said as my head cleared.
“After lunch tomorrow?”
“Yeah, that would work fine for me.”
“See you tomorrow then.”
“Okay…bye”
Damn existentialists.
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[A note to Rev Fartstink and anyone dumb enough to listen to him:
If the God of which you preach indeed exists, you do know He’s aware of what you’re doing, don’t you? He knows what and how much that money means to you. He knows you are using His name in vain so you are the one who is seen as “holy” even though you claim that you’re only about God. He knows your game, dude!
To your followers:
You do know that you are putting this false god before Him, don’t you? Don’t think you are? Then how do you understand that Jesus said that no one knows when the end times would come but here you are believing in the Rev Farstink fairy tale. You also believe that Rev Fartstink knows the mind of God as he has convinced you that God hates us…this being the same God who is also referred to as “the ALL LOVING God”, remember? And you prefer to be obedient to Rev Fartstink’s rules that he claims to have extracted from the Good Book, and forgot completely about the only rule, “love one another”. I’d ask you to take a good long look at yourself but I just don’t give a damn anymore. As far as I’m concerned you have a disease that consumes the creative mind. I’d tell you that you haven’t found religion but that you are having a life-long panic attack about dying, and I’d tell you that it isn’t necessary because if you believe that God is indeed an “all loving” God and that death is part of the life He gave you then you have nothing to fear. Instead you’d rather respond to Rev Fartstink rattling your cage, filling you and your family with fear and loathing. These are the characteristics of an altogether different entity, not of God.
But fear not for your fear-based life continues. Rumor has it that Rev Fartstink is “recalculating” the end times for you so you’d better send him another $70+ million…oh yeah and make sure to vote against Medicare because we can’t afford it, and vote against teachers so no one knows anything other than what Fartstink wants you to know, and you can give that money to this dickhead as well. I mean who cares, right? The end times will be here before you need any of that anyway, right? The Rev Fartstink decrees it…again….and you sheep will be sheared again… Although the Rev Fartstink is not God, he does play one on TV.]
. . .
